E P I T A P H S ...

THE TIRED WOMAN'S EPITAPH
Here lies a poor woman who was always tired
She lived in a house where help was not hired
Her last words on earth were: 'Dear Friends, I am going
Where washing ain't done, nor sweeping, nor sewing;
But everything there is exact to my wishes;
For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes.
I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing,
But, having no voice, I'll be clear of the singing.
Don't mourn for me now; don't mourn for me never -
I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.

SCOTTISH EPITAPH
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

IN MEMORY OF RICHARD COURT
d. July 31 1791 aged 65 years

My Sledge and Hammer lie Reclin'd
My Bellows too have lost their Wind;
My Fire is out, and Forge decay'd,
And in the Dust my Vice is laid.

EPITAPH ON A SHREW
Here lies thank Heaven
A woman who
Quarrelled and stormed
Her whole life through
Tread lightly o'er her slumb'ring form
For fear you wake another storm.

Poor Martha Snell, she's gone away
She would if she could but she could not stay
She'd two bad legs and baddish cough
But her legs it was that carried her off.

EPITAPH FOR A DENTIST
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
John Brown is filling his last cavity.

THE WIFE'S EPITAPH
To follow you I'm not content.
How do I know which way you went?

LIMERICK EPITAPH
There was an old man who averred
He had learned to fly like a bird.
Cheered by thousands of people
He leapt from the steeple -
This tomb states the date it occurred.