A Light Hearted look at The Scots and Their Influence on the World

As the average Englishman moves about the home he calls his castle, watch him enjoy a typical English breakfast of toast and marmalade, invented by Mrs Kettler of Dundee, Scotland. See him slipping into his national costume, a soiled raincoat, patented by Charles MacIntosh, a Glasgow druggist, and following his footsteps over the linoleum flooring, invented in Kirkcaldy, Scotland.

On the Road
Out he goes - along the English lane surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland (better known as the macadamised road), smoking an English cigarette, first manufactured by Robert Gloag of Perth, Scotland.

He hops aboard an English bus, which is using tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, of Dreghorn, Scotland, and later completes his journey by rail a reminder that James Watt of Greenock, Scotland, invented the steam engine.

At the office, he is presented with the morning mail containing adhesive stamps, invented by John Chalmers, of Dundee, Scotland, and periodically, during the day, he reaches for the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born of Scottish parents.

At the Dinner Table
At home in the evening, our English cousin's wife is preparing his national dish of roast beef of old England - prime Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. This sets the patriotic heart beating a little faster, and he enters the dining room whistling "Ye Mariners of England" written and composed by Thomas Campbell of Glasgow, Scotland.

After dinner, there follows the typical scene of English domestic bliss. Young Albert is packed off to the Boy's Brigade, founded by Sir William Smith of Glasgow, Scotland. Ted goes to the Scouts, the present chief of which is Sir Charles MacLean of Duart, Scotland, and little Ethel plays on her bicycle, invented by Kirkpatrick MacMillan, a blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland.

Mother is in the kitchen, bleaching her wash clothes, with bleach invented by James MacGregor of Glasgow, Scotland. Dad listens to the news on Television, invented by John Logie Baird, of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the United States Navy, founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. Maybe he will remember that the radar, with which the U.S. and other fleets are equipped, was invented by Sir Robert A. Watson, of Brechin, Scotland.

Homework
Once the children come home, Dad supervises the homework, using logarithms, invented by John Napier of Edinburgh, Scotland. The English course contains familiar books, such as "Treasure Island" by Robert Louis Stevenson, and "Robinson Crusoe" based on the life of Alex Selkirk of Largo, Scotland. If by now he has been reminded too much of Scotland, he may, in desperation pick up the Bible - here at last to have something without Scottish associations. But he is disillusioned - the first man mentioned in the Bible is a Scot, James VI, who authorised its translation.

It's hopeless. Nowhere, can an Englishman turn to escape the efficiency and ingenuity of the Scots. He could take a drink - but we supply the best in the world. He could stick his head in the oven - but coal gas was discovered by William Murdoch of Ayr, Scotland. He could take a rifle and blow his brains out, but of course, the breach loading rifle was invented by a Scot.

Survival
Anyway, if he survived injured, he would simply find himself on an operating table, injected with penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, given an anaesthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland, and operated upon by antiseptic surgery pioneered at Glasgow Royal Infirmary.

On coming out of the anaesthetic, he would probably take no comfort in learning from his Surgeon, that he was as safe as the Bank of England, founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. The poor fellow's only remaining hope would be to receive a transfusion of good Scot's blood, which could entitle him to ask "Wha's like Us?"

Author unknown